Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Where Have All the Ginsu Knives Gone?

SPLASH! ... Today my sister sent me a text message that said, “OMG! I SWEAR I just saw Michael Phelps in the parking lot of Harris Teeter.” She said people were stopping their cars and pointing at him. Apparently he was carrying a big jug of water. I thought, well sure he’s carrying water. The dude’s a merman, he can’t be too far from water at any given time. And, I’m sure that he took a break from training for the World Championships in a couple of weeks to make a grocery run in Charlotte. How great would it have been if the guy had poured some of the water from the jug over his head? He just can’t get too dry.

STAR WARS, INDEED ... Did you know that while many of us children of the 80’s were worrying about the Soviet Union using a nuclear bomb against us, Reagan and Gorbechev made an unofficial pact for our countries to band together against extraterrestrials should they attack Earth. Very, very interesting. Do you think they knew something we didn’t?

MICKEY D'S DIFFERENT STROKES ... I took my sister to an interview a few weeks ago, and while she was in the interview, I took the girls to the McDonalds around the corner. We were in a pretty swanky part of Charlotte. The girls wanted to know if they could play on the playground after they finished eating. Thinking we’d have a good hour to waste until Cori got out of her interview, I agreed. But, when we got there, there was no playground. There was, however, a grand piano in the center of the restaurant. Maybe the kids that go to this particular McDonalds in the swanky part of town play Mozart instead of in plastic tubes and ball pits.

REALLY?? ... Okay, there’s this kid whose (obviously) wonderful parents let him drop out of school so that he can focus on playing Guitar Hero professionally. Yeah, I don’t know what to say to that, except is there such a thing as a Professional Guitar Hero Player? Jenners?

COMMERCIAL #1 ... I love the hair poof-outs in the brain fart commercial.

BUT WAIT! ... You know what other commercial I love? The Slap Chop! Vince, the ShamWow guy is back with his Garth Brooks-style mic. The lines in this thing are fantastic:

  • You’re going to be in a great mood all day because you’re going to be slapping your troubles away.
  • Stop having the boring tuna, stop having a boring life…Add the tuna, you’re going to have an exciting life now.
  • You’re going to love my nuts!
  • One, two, and pops open, like that, like a butterfly…
  • The onions, with the skin? This is making you cry, it’s making me cry. Life’s hard enough as it is, you don’t want to cry anymore.
  • We’re gonna make America skinny again – one slap at a time.
  • Tacos, fettuccini, linguine, martini, bikini…


Protege said...

Who is Michael Phelps?
What a strange thing to have a piano in McDonalds.;)) Did anyone play it to entertain while you were eating?;))

Kitten said...

I haven't seen the Shamwow guy in a long time...well, ever since his arrest for getting caught with a prostitute.

And that Slap Chop commercial is funnier than the ShamWow, IMO.

Shellie said...

Hey Mel,
I have an award for you. Its a Lemonade Award!
Come by and check it out.

Heather said...

Thank you for this.. I laughed all the way through it! I LOVE the Slap Chop commercial. Seriously, who comes up with that stuff? Is it ad-libbed?

And I've been to that McDonald's! Last year, on our way up to Boone. I'd never been to any fast food place that had a grand piano. Wierd.

Diane said...

You were in SouthPark weren't you? We used to go for ice cream at that McDonalds after preschool. You know it's a player piano, right? It freaked Ryan out the first time she heard it. You know what freaked me out? That creepy Ronald McDonald statue that sits on the bench near the piano. Ick.

And how does Z not know who Michael Phelps is?!

Jenners said...

Your "headlines" are cracking me up! I feel like I'm reading a gossip column or something. And a piano in a McDonalds? Get real ... and I bet the keys are really greasy.

And if you can get paid for playing Guitar Hero (and I just can't imagine you can), I must step up my practice. I need to find this story .... perhaps his visit to my blog inspired him to play at weddings!!!

Joyful said...

Oh I've really missed you!

I can't tell Optimus that being a professional guitar hero player is an option. We will keep that b/w us. ok?