Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Slightly Inappropriate and Fully Nosy Meme

I stole this meme from Jenners who got it from The Scattered Mind of a Tattooed Minivan Mom.

1. Have you ever skipped school?

Yes, but I always got permission from my mom first. Isn’t that nerdy? She always made it clear she would consider the reason we wanted to skip before giving permission and that she’d rather know about it up front than after the fact. I almost always was given permission. My sisters, however, didn’t trust the system, never got permission, and always ended up getting punished afterwards. They’re big on immediate gratification, those two. What they couldn’t understand is that not only did I get the immediate gratification by asking and getting to skip school, I also got to enjoy myself afterwards because I wasn’t, you know, GROUNDED.

2. What is your favorite naughty word?

Of course it’s the Eff word! Sometimes there’s no other word that quite does the job. It comes out as “Eff a duck” most of the time. Adding that duck on the end makes it seem a little more quaint and less aggressive, no?

3. Have you ever been arrested?

No. Yeah, I have nothing to add here.

4. Do you and your spouse have a code that you use when you want sex?

No spouse, no code. If I had a spouse, I think my code would be to shout “Put it there! Now!” I’m not very subtle.

5. Do you have special names for ... ahem...you know, either cute ones that you have your kids use or nasty ones that you and your spouse use?

I once had a boyfriend that called his Fred the Fireman. That was entertaining.

6. How many drinks does it take to get you sloshed?

I don’t drink much, and the last time I was well and truly drunk was years ago, so it probably wouldn’t take much these days. Like, three sips, maybe?

7. Do you always wash your hands after you go potty or are you one of those gross people who comes out of the toilet in a public restroom and fixes their hair then leaves without washing?

Wash! Wash! Wash! There’s a reason I don’t like to eat at those covered dish dinners at work.

8. When was the last time you played the clitar, dialed 9 on a rotary phone or spanked your monkey?

MYOB! The noive!

9. What's your favorite smell that others would consider weird?

I love the smell of “clean” dirt. If you’ve never smelled it before, you wouldn’t know what I’m talking about. It’s the way my great-grandparents’ under-the-house smelled. They didn’t have a basement, just an area carved out of the dirt under their house where my PaPa kept his tools and where they stored the Christmas decorations and stuff. It was dirt, but it smelled fresh. It’s really hard to explain.

10. What is your favorite adult beverage?

Again, don’t drink much, but I guess a Heineken.

11. Favorite old school cartoon?

The Flintstones, for sure!

12. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do with the money? (If you say donate to charity, you're a f**kin' liar! I said the FIRST thing you'd do.)

The first thing? Okay, honestly? I’d get a breast reduction. That’s so boring, but it’s what I’ve wanted the longest.

13. Have you ever fed a dog peanut butter just to see what would happen?

No, but I did put tape on my cat Monster’s feet when she was a kitten. Ever tried that? It’s hilarious! (It’s probably a good thing I admitted that now that Nick is home with me, huh?)

14. Favorite blonde joke?

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

15. Have you ever undressed Barbie and Ken and made them do it?

Sure! Then I made them play out this uncomfortable scene at work the next day where Ken brought Barbie flowers and Barbie had to tell him he was really lousy in bed and she didn’t want to go out with him anymore. Three’s Company was really informative.

16. Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?

What? Are you serious? Aw! You got me! Look! It has my picture next to the definition!

17. Shi*tiest car you've ever had?

I don’t think I had any shi*ty cars. I liked my blue Nissan Sentra the least.

18. Most risque place you've ever done it?

I was really young and not working for the company I do now. At lunchtime in my then-boyfriend’s truck in the workshop of the construction company where we both worked.

19. Most embarrassing ass song that you just LOVE no matter what anyone thinks?

Ugh…probably “As Long As You Love Me” by The Backstreet Boys. Or pretty much any songs by any boy band around that era.

20. Ever puked out a car window?

There were times I felt like it, but no.

21. Should I let D (her husband) get an alpaca?

Yes...I love their little faces, and they have such pretty eyes and eyelashes.


Diane said...

I'm shocked! Appalled! Horrified! Disgusted!

OK, not really. Not at all, actually. Good answers, especially the "Put it there! NOW!" one. That's how I feel most of the time. Sigh.

I was debating on doing this meme or the 'what my kid says about me' meme. I still haven't decided.

Jenners said...

OK -- this was totally hilarious! The skipping school one is totally nerdy --- but it worked! How dumb were your sisters! And I would totally consider a breast reduction -- I didn't think of that! And the tape on a cats paws -- how hilarious! And the blonde joke was so funny. Never heard that one. And love your Barbie and Ken response.

Hee hee. I loved it.

Sally's World said...


Protege said...

Hehe, Mel, this was great! I needed to read something funny this morning and this definitely did the trick.;)))
I so agree with your no. 9, in fact I posted a post yesterday about my favourite "natural" scents and the scent of fresh soil was one of them.;))

Protege said...

Ah yes, and I cannot believe that your mom permitted you to skip school. That is what I call a COOL mom.;)))

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Fabulously wicked, Mel - I am never going to do this Meme, oh and please may I visit with the alpaca?

And, from the look of Nick, if you get anywhere near him with tape, he'll be shredding your stockings drawer just as soon as your back is turned! LOL x

Heather said...

Fred the fireman?! Haha!! Thanks for the laughs this morning - they were severely needed.
And that system you had worked out with your mom rocks!! I'll have to keep that in mind if I ever have children. Try to take away the need to be deceptive...

SSQuo said...

Wait, can I get this clean dirt to plonk itself all over my house instead of the regular dirt?