There's Your Husband!

Remember when you were a teenager out with your friends and a guy would walk by that, to your teenaged immature sensibilities, was unattractive or wearing some get-up that offended your highly-honed mall fashion sense? Remember how you’d kind of nod your head in the direction of that guy and say to one of your girlfriends, “There’s your boyfriend!”? Well, my bloggy friends,
THERE'S YOUR HUSBAND!

Mail Order Husbands

Check out the website for all of the fun, but I’ve screencapped some lovelies and a case study for your viewing pleasure in the meantime. Hey - they even have layaway and husbands on sale!

The Devil is Monitoring My Caloric Intake

MORE FROM THE FUNNIEST KID ON THE PLANET
The other day my 3 year-old niece Bebe told my brother-in-law when he wouldn't get her more juice that when she got her paycheck, she was going to go the store and get herself some juice. When asked how she was going to get there, she said she was going to drive her Barbie jeep.

When her big sister Yaya was 4, she told her parents she wanted a cheeseburger, to which they said, “Okay,” meaning they’d go get her one in a while. When they couldn’t find her in the house a few minutes later, they started scouring the neighborhood. My brother-in-law found her about 6 houses away, walking up the road. He put her in the truck to take her back home. Once back at the house they asked her where she was walking. She said she was going to get a cheeseburger at the little family restaurant that they often go to, which is about 2 miles away and on a major road. They asked her if she was going to walk all the way there. She said, “I was going to walk and run and skip.”

IS THIS SOME KIND OF COSMIC WAY OF TELLING ME I NEED TO GO ON A DIET?
I’ve been hormonally and emotionally eating this week. A lot of eating, is what I’m saying. I went to the store Monday afternoon to pick up a soda. When the guy rang up my soda (or 2 Dr. Peppers, a box of Gobstoppers, a bag of Mini Oreos, and a Baby Ruth), it came to $6.66. Yesterday morning I stopped to get a breakfast biscuit (or 2 biscuits and a gigantic sweet tea. The eating is out of control the last few days, I’m telling ya!). Guess what the total was? Yeah. $6.66. Hmmm… Today I ate a granola bar for breakfast, a Lean Cuisine lunch, and a bowl of soup for dinner. I GET IT, OKAY??

FUNNY THINGS I HEARD ON THE RADIO OR TV THIS WEEK
- A perk for guys picking up women at Walmart…you already know a woman's children’s names because of her tattoos. (Chris Kelly, 2 Guys Named Chris radio show)

- Lifetime Shower – When you’ve heard or experienced something especially disturbing, you may feel the need to take a “Lifetime shower”, which is the act of collapsing in a shower, rocking back and forth with your knees pulled up to your chest, while you have an ugly cry. (Deidre James, 2 Guys Named Chris radio show)

- The way I feel very often: Caught between a rock and a crazy place. (Leonard, The Big Bang Theory)

MUTUAL OF OMAHA
Official sponsor of the aha moment. Really? I didn’t know that you could be the official sponsor of something like that. And, if you could, didn’t Oprah start the aha moment thing, like, 8 years ago?

BECAUSE I'M A MAGPIE SCROUNGING BLOG THINGS FROM EVERYONE ELSE
Jenners did this celebrity look alike thing from My Heritage site. You upload a picture, then it analyzes your face and gives you the celebrities you most look like. I tried six different pictures to see if I had any crossovers. One picture got almost exclusively male returns ranging from Matt LeBlanc to Andy Kaufman to Hugh Jackman (no, Bookkitten, I don’t look like Hugh Jackman). A few women showed up several times: Kristin Kreuk (Lana Lang on Smallville) showed up with 4 pictures. Isabella Rossellini and Geena Davis showed up for 3 pictures. And, Cate Blanchett was on 2 lists. Here are the results using the picture from the blog (the fetching one). Personally, I don’t think I look like any of these women, although I sure wish I did!

Slightly Inappropriate and Fully Nosy Meme

I stole this meme from Jenners who got it from The Scattered Mind of a Tattooed Minivan Mom.

1. Have you ever skipped school?

Yes, but I always got permission from my mom first. Isn’t that nerdy? She always made it clear she would consider the reason we wanted to skip before giving permission and that she’d rather know about it up front than after the fact. I almost always was given permission. My sisters, however, didn’t trust the system, never got permission, and always ended up getting punished afterwards. They’re big on immediate gratification, those two. What they couldn’t understand is that not only did I get the immediate gratification by asking and getting to skip school, I also got to enjoy myself afterwards because I wasn’t, you know, GROUNDED.

2. What is your favorite naughty word?

Of course it’s the Eff word! Sometimes there’s no other word that quite does the job. It comes out as “Eff a duck” most of the time. Adding that duck on the end makes it seem a little more quaint and less aggressive, no?

3. Have you ever been arrested?

No. Yeah, I have nothing to add here.

4. Do you and your spouse have a code that you use when you want sex?

No spouse, no code. If I had a spouse, I think my code would be to shout “Put it there! Now!” I’m not very subtle.

5. Do you have special names for ... ahem...you know, either cute ones that you have your kids use or nasty ones that you and your spouse use?

I once had a boyfriend that called his Fred the Fireman. That was entertaining.

6. How many drinks does it take to get you sloshed?

I don’t drink much, and the last time I was well and truly drunk was years ago, so it probably wouldn’t take much these days. Like, three sips, maybe?

7. Do you always wash your hands after you go potty or are you one of those gross people who comes out of the toilet in a public restroom and fixes their hair then leaves without washing?

Wash! Wash! Wash! There’s a reason I don’t like to eat at those covered dish dinners at work.

8. When was the last time you played the clitar, dialed 9 on a rotary phone or spanked your monkey?

MYOB! The noive!

9. What's your favorite smell that others would consider weird?

I love the smell of “clean” dirt. If you’ve never smelled it before, you wouldn’t know what I’m talking about. It’s the way my great-grandparents’ under-the-house smelled. They didn’t have a basement, just an area carved out of the dirt under their house where my PaPa kept his tools and where they stored the Christmas decorations and stuff. It was dirt, but it smelled fresh. It’s really hard to explain.

10. What is your favorite adult beverage?

Again, don’t drink much, but I guess a Heineken.

11. Favorite old school cartoon?

The Flintstones, for sure!

12. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do with the money? (If you say donate to charity, you're a f**kin' liar! I said the FIRST thing you'd do.)

The first thing? Okay, honestly? I’d get a breast reduction. That’s so boring, but it’s what I’ve wanted the longest.

13. Have you ever fed a dog peanut butter just to see what would happen?

No, but I did put tape on my cat Monster’s feet when she was a kitten. Ever tried that? It’s hilarious! (It’s probably a good thing I admitted that now that Nick is home with me, huh?)

14. Favorite blonde joke?

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

15. Have you ever undressed Barbie and Ken and made them do it?

Sure! Then I made them play out this uncomfortable scene at work the next day where Ken brought Barbie flowers and Barbie had to tell him he was really lousy in bed and she didn’t want to go out with him anymore. Three’s Company was really informative.

16. Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?

What? Are you serious? Aw! You got me! Look! It has my picture next to the definition!

17. Shi*tiest car you've ever had?

I don’t think I had any shi*ty cars. I liked my blue Nissan Sentra the least.

18. Most risque place you've ever done it?

I was really young and not working for the company I do now. At lunchtime in my then-boyfriend’s truck in the workshop of the construction company where we both worked.

19. Most embarrassing ass song that you just LOVE no matter what anyone thinks?

Ugh…probably “As Long As You Love Me” by The Backstreet Boys. Or pretty much any songs by any boy band around that era.

20. Ever puked out a car window?

There were times I felt like it, but no.

21. Should I let D (her husband) get an alpaca?

Yes...I love their little faces, and they have such pretty eyes and eyelashes.

My Busy Weekend

We’re entering our busy season at work, so I may not be posting as much or even comment as much as I normally do. I work for a printing company and spring is a very busy time. Lots of long hours. Trust me, it’s not you, it’s me.

It was a crazy busy weekend! First I did a whirl-wind trip to The Big D to go to my niece Alex’s birthday party. I drove up on Saturday morning and back Saturday night. The party was at Skatetown. I swear, it doesn’t look a lot different than when I used to go every Saturday when I was in my tweens. I think it’s possible the air hockey table might actually be the exact same one. (Side note to Diane: I couldn’t help but think about when we would take the girls skating back in the early ‘90’s. I saw a dark haired girl holding hands and skating with a blond girl and it reminded me of Cori and Sam skating together.) We went back to my Granny’s for awhile, then out to eat Mexican, then I left to come back to Charlotte, because…

I was approved to adopt Nick and I went to pick him up today. He has just made himself at home. Right now, he’s sitting on the sofa with me sleeping. I was worried that he’d be standoffish because of his previous homes, but he seems to know that it’s safe here and he doesn’t have anything to worry about. Apparently I wasn’t the only one he worked his charms on. Several people that worked at the store came by to say good-bye to him once they found out that he was leaving today. Charming guy, my Nick.

Here are some pictures of the girls on Saturday and some of Nick today when he discovered how comfortable my bed is.

The More You Know

Dear Dude Walking North on South Tryon Tuesday Afternoon,

I saw you waving your middle finger in the air at the cars driving by. That is not how you hitchhike. You were doing it wrong.

Sincerely,
Mel

Update on Nick

Soooooo...I put in an application to adopt Nick today. I e-mailed the organization about something that was on his biography that I was curious about, and after getting the answer, I wanted him more. He had been mistreated at his previous home. I visited with him awhile today, talking to him through the plexiglass again. He was kind of aloof, but I could see he was purring. He was kneading his little paws (although they're kind of BIG paws). I call that making biscuits because it looks like what my great-grandmother used to do to the dough every night as she made homemade biscuits. It will probably take a few days to be approved because they'll do an interview with me and possibly call some references. But, I don't foresee any problems. Here is a (pretty poor) picture I took of the actual Nick today when I was there filling out the application. I didn't have my camera with me, so I just took it with my phone.

The L Word

I think I may have fallen in love today. His name is Nick, and I met him when I went out for lunch. He’s a pretty big guy, he’s got reddish hair and golden brown eyes, and he seems very sweet. I’ve been thinking about him all afternoon. This is Nick:

Well, it's not really Nick because the adoption website didn't have an actual picture of him, but this is what he looks like except he has less of a green and more of a golden color to his eyes than this cat.

When I go to PetSmart to get supplies for my bettas, I always look at the birds and the hamsters and guinea pigs. I also always go by the cat adoption area to play with them through the plexiglass with the feathers-on-a-stick toy they have lying there. However, I never have a problem leaving them behind. I never leave thinking, “Oh, I want another cat.” Today, though, this big guy was there. He was chillin’ like a villain, but he wasn’t so aloof that the feathers didn’t catch his fancy. There was just something about him that I liked. I squatted down on the floor and talked to him through the little holes at the bottom of the plexiglass. He talked back to me through the holes. I read his history card. His name is Nick. He’s an orange Maine Coon cat. He was returned to the rescue after being adopted before because he apparently “needed too much love”. He’s 1 ½ years old. He would prefer a stable, quiet home without other cats and dogs. Of course, he’s neutered and his shots are all up-to-date.

UGH! I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never thought of myself as a cat person, even though Monster and I lived together for 18 years. I swore that I would probably never get a cat again after Monster died, and not because I just wasn't ready. I just really am not a cat person. And I never wanted a male cat. But, do I want another cat? Am I just feeling sentimental about Monster? Or does Nick belong with me? Seems I’ve got a lot of thinking to do this weekend.

Bouncy Balls

I'm lazy tonight, so I'm just posting a video that my sister took of the two of us watching Alex and Brianna racing on bouncy balls in their livingroom over a year ago. Every time I watch it I laugh and laugh.

No children were harmed in the making of this video. Not even at the end. And, pardon my BIL's language at the very end.

36 Things About MeMe

With nothing to write about today, I stole this meme from The Bookkitten.

1. Do you like bleu cheese?

Nope.

2. Have you ever smoked?

Nope.

3. Do you own a gun?

Nope.

4. What flavor Kool Aid was your favorite?

Fruit Punch.

5. What job would you like to do other than your own?

I would love to review TV shows, movies, and books.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

I totally know what’s in them, but I have to say, sometimes it’s what I want. I convinced myself that if I buy the Hebrew National ones, I get fewer of the “ingredients” than are in other hotdogs. You know, if it’s Kosher and all...

7. Favorite Christmas movie?

A Christmas Story. I’ll personally put your eye out if you diss this movie, no need for an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

Cold Dr. Pepper, or sweet iced tea.

9. Can you do push ups?

Okay, I had to try it just now. I did about 10 “girl” push-ups and then switched to regular push-ups. I got through three before I decided that the answer is yes.

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?

I have two favorite pieces of jewelry. When my sister was really little she wanted to give me a Christmas present, so she got me a little golden butterfly necklace from a gumball machine. Because it meant so much to her, it was important to me. I’ve had it for about 20 years and I still keep it in my jewelry box. My other favorite piece of jewelry is another necklace. This one was made by my sister and my nieces for my Christmas present in 2007. It says “Hot Mel”. The reason it says “Hot Mel” is that when Alex was just learning to talk she misunderstood when people referred to me as her “Aunt Mel” and thought they were saying “Hot Mel”. I was Hot Mel for a long time until I was giving her a bath one night and she looked up at me with a puzzled expression on her face and said, “Hot Mel? Are you my Aunt Mel?” After that I was Aunt Mel. In my heart I’ll always be Hot Mel, though.

11. Favorite hobby?

Is sarcasm a hobby? Okay, fine, collaging.

12. Do you have A. D. D.?

Nope. I have other things with initials though.

13. Do you wear glasses/contacts?

Glasses for computer work only.

14. Middle name?

Joyce (named after my mom, my grandmother, and my great-grandmother)

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:

- Simon Cowell is going to have himself frozen when he dies?
- My back itches and I need my back lotion application thingy.
- What the heck was that noise?

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.

Water, tea, and Dr. Pepper

17. Current worry?

Did you see Oprah today? That.

18. Current hate right now?

Batteries that run out of steam way too fast.

19. Favorite place to be?

My bed.

20. How did you ring in the new year?

At home. I don’t “do” New Year’s Eve.

21. Name three people who will complete this:

Snap, Crackle and Pop? I don't know.

22. Do you own slippers?

Yes: some for right after I get out of the shower, some for after I put on my socks, but before I put on my shoes since the first ones are wet, and, of course, I have my fuzzy booties.

23. What color shirt are you wearing?

Red.

24. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

I’ve never slept on satin sheets.

25. Can you whistle?

Yes, but my great-grandfather always told me when he’d hear me whistling:
“Whistling girls and crowing hens always come to some bad ends.”

26. Where are you now?

On my sofa in my livingroom.

27. Would you be a pirate?

Hmmm…would I be a pirate? Only if I could serve as the cabin girl of Captain Hook (as played by Jason Isaacs). I mean, what? No! Of course not!

28. What songs do you sing in the shower?

Whatever is stuck in my head at the moment.

29. Favorite girl’s Name?

Don’t have one.

30. Favorite boy’s name?

Don’t have one.

31. What is in your pocket right now?

Nothing.

32. Last thing that made you laugh?

These guys.

33. What vehicle do you drive?

White 2004 Hyundai Santa Fe.

34. Worst injury you’ve ever had?

Ever? Either my sprained ankle/torn ligaments or breaking my thumb on my right (and also writing) hand.

35. Do you love where you live?

I love my house. Charlotte? take or leave.

36. How many TVs do you have in your house?

I’m ashamed to say. Okay, 4. But, in my defense, one randomly cuts itself off for hours at a time and one I loaned to my mom about 5 years ago and she just returned.

Do Whatever You Want and Have A Great Day

Matthew Rhys…meat salesman
My TV boyfriend is selling meat, and he’s doing a bang-up job! In my Google alerts today, there is an article that says that advertisements narrated by him convinced three out of four shoppers to buy Welsh Beef, making for an increase of 15% over last year. He’s very powerful and popular with the meat-eating populace apparently. And, yes, I have a Google alert for my TV boyfriend. Stop looking at me like that! I have Google alerts for other things too! Like NASA and space, earthquakes and hurricanes, bettas, Carolina basketball, my Olympic boyfriend (shut up!), and my cousin. Just a bunch of stuff. So there! : P* * * * *

Babawawa…I’d only cry because I’d feel trapped by her crazy questions
So last week, over and over, the ad for Babawawa’s OSCAR special was being played. The announcer said she would be asking the questions not asked on the red carpet, then they’d play this soundbite: “Why did you destroy your career?” Is it wrong that I laughed every time?

Skinny Bitch…the book, not me
I’m writing my own book and I’m going to call it Fat Bastard.

IKEA…I want to go to there (points to anyone who gets that reference)
We just got an IKEA in Charlotte! Yay!!! I thought I was excited, but there were people CAMPED OUT for the first day. My friend Kelly went on Saturday and she said it was so crowded they had to take a shuttle bus from where they parked to the store. I’m excited, but I’m not that excited, you know? I’ll wait until some of the newness wears off. Then I’ll go get some meatballs and cheap drinking glasses and a $70 chair I’ve got my eye on.

All newspeople have a signoff…Paula Zahn’s is just a little unusual
There’s this guy named Jack Cafferty that does commentary and answers mail on CNN Morning. I guess one morning back when Paula Zahn was on there, Jack had just given some commentary right before they were getting ready to sign off the air for the morning, and this is what accidentally came out of her mouth: “Jack off and have a good day!”

My House, My Niece, and My Messy Garage

Today was my 6th Housiversary. I’ve lived in 4 states, 7 towns/cities, and at least 24 apartments/houses. I bought my house and moved into it 6 years ago today. This is the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere. Making that day even more special, my sweet little niece Alex was born that day too. I was supposed to be in the delivery room with my sister and her husband when she had the baby, but she went into labor 2 hours before the movers were supposed to be at my apartment, so I didn’t get to be there for her birth. I got everything moved in and a few things unpacked and then left the next morning to go see my new sweet little niece. It was a pretty special day, February 22, 2003.

Have you ever seen that Friends episode, “The One With the Secret Closet”? It’s the episode where Joey and Chandler decide to find out what’s behind the door that is between the bathroom and the balcony in Monica and Chandler’s apartment. When Chandler finally gets into the door, it’s just a bunch of junk that Monica has piled in there willy-nilly, completely opposite to the organized person we had known her to be since the beginning of the series.

This, my friends, is what my garage looks like. Granted I’m not as organized as I used to be, but I’m still probably more organized than about 85% of the people out there. It may even be bordering on OCD. My aunt once made fun of the little squares in my underwear drawer because they’re all folded and organized according to texture and type. My clothes have to be hung on the right kind of hangers: white clothes can hang on colored hangers, but any clothes of color must hang on white hangers only. Sweaters can’t hang with short sleeved shirts. Etc., etc., etc. Even the “junk” drawer in my kitchen is not really junky. But, open my garage door and it’s a completely different world!

I have the intention of being organized out there, and I try periodically to get the job done, but it never happens. It’s just junk that I’m not using or don’t know what to do with, thrown into the abyss. I have these great little shelves to store stuff on. I have different colored baskets to help with the organization. I have a label maker. I have everything a person would need to have an organized garage. I just can’t get it together to…well…get it together.

In my itch to simplify, I really am going to be organizing that sucker! I have too much stuff that I don’t need, don’t use, and am irritated looking at. I have this fantasy about what it will look like once I’m done with all the cleaning out and organizing. A few years ago on Will and Grace, there were some scenes that took place in Will’s mother’s attic. I want my garage to look like her attic. Logically I know that it won’t. I don’t have a set designer to make it look like that for one thing. But, I will just be supremely satisfied if I don’t cringe inside if I find out that someone opened my garage door when I wasn’t around and saw just how unorganized I can be.

What the L?

Yesterday I had one of those days where, even though you know you’re a pretty smart person, you just can’t get it together to actually be that smart person. A couple of the girls at work and I were talking about lettuce. You know, as you do. All of us agreed that we didn’t like lettuce on sandwiches. I don’t know how this came up, now that I’m thinking about it. It may have had something to do with the whole peanut butter issue that’s in the news. Which could have led to peanut butter sandwiches. Then to other kinds of sandwiches. I seem to remember something about grilled cheese sandwiches made with mayonnaise, not butter. And, that possibly could have led to what we didn’t like on sandwiches. Hence, lettuce. (Yeah, the special meds for my healing tooth/gum aren’t doing any favors for my brain, obviously.) The subject of a BLT came up. And this is a close approximation of our conversation about BLTs:

Betty: What about a BLT?

Me: Well, that would be a whole other sandwich if you left the lettuce off of it. I mean, “lettuce” is in the name.

Joyce: What would you call it then?

Joyce looks off into space like you do when you’re trying hard to visualize the answer to something.

Me: An LT? No, that can’t be right. It’s still got the L in it. A… B? T? A BT!!

Betty shakes her head and laughs at Joyce and me.

Joyce: That was HARD!

Me: I KNOW!!

Sadly, I don’t think either of us was joking that much!

It made me think of the time that I was at Wally World buying stuff for Halloween. I heard this song playing and I looked around thinking I had set off a motion activated monster. But I didn’t see one. I walked over to the candy aisle, and threw a few bags in the cart. And, there was the song again. I figured instead of a motion activated monster, there must have been some special toy in one of the candy bags and I had picked up the same kind of bag that someone on the other aisle had. I thought I must have accidentally pressed the button to make the monster music start when I threw the candy bags in my cart. I heard the song off and on as I finished up my shopping and as I was paying for my purchases. I figured the jostling from adding things to the cart and from being bagged at the checkout kept pressing the on button to the toy in whichever candy bag it was in. I even mentioned to the girl behind the counter that the toy from the candy kept playing that song she was hearing. She just stared at me.

I put the bags on the front seat of my car and started driving back to work. Well, I’ll be danged if the song didn’t come on as I was driving down the road! I hadn’t even touched the candy bags! At the next stoplight, I opened some of the bags. I started pulling candy out and throwing it all over the place, trying to find that stupid noisy toy! But, I couldn’t find it!! I got back to work, took all the bags of candy in with me, and told my co-worker Lisa about the stupid song that kept playing and was coming from one of the stupid candy bags! Then the phone at my desk rang, so I went back to my desk to answer it. It was my sister and the first thing she said was: I’VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU FOR THE LAST HOUR ON YOUR CELL PHONE! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN???

Well, let’s see, I had been at Wally World, then in my car, then back at work going crazy trying to figure out where the stupid “Halloween” song was coming from. And, as it turned out, it was coming from my own damn phone!

Mel Needs

My friend Lisa told me to google my name and the word “needs” and see what comes up. So I did. Here are some of the things that “Mel needs” according to Google.

Mel needs...

• ...no introduction when she walks in a room.
• ...to become somewhat flexible and leave some of the pigheadedness behind.
• ...to stop lying and just confess.
• ...to rise above the poop.
• ...to look on the bright side.
• ...such special care.
• ...to come up with a scheme.
• ...to hire someone to fix this mess.
• ...geeky help.
• ...to assert more authority.
• ...some balls.
• ...help with extraordinary expenses.
• ...money.
• ...someone like Nick to straighten her out. (I hope Nick is cute!)
• ...Mr. Jennings. (hmm…wonder if Nick is Mr. Jennings)
• ...a big wet sloppy kiss.
• ...to add some sparkle and color to her wardrobe.
• ...a diamond necklace.
• ...a bra.
• ...to become more tolerant.
• ...to get educated.
• ...to maintain her dignity.
• ...to have some fun.
• ...massage treatment.
• ...to trade her present car for a magic carpet.
• ...a good theme song for her sneaky forays.
• ...to shave Phelps at the trials. (I’d rather the other swimmer, though, and not really the shaving part. Can't I pick some other activity? Wait! What???)
• ...a good spanking.
• ...to say a million Hail Marys for even thinking about that.
• ...to edit more.
• ...to calm her ass down.
• ...to stop now before she gets worse than she already is.
• ...to go; she is annoying.
• ...your prayers.
• ...the loo.

The Deed, She is Done

Dentist this morning. Not a hot dentist, as some might have hoped. (And, by-the-way, who knew that was a popular fantasy??) Well, I guess “hot” depends on your point of view. SHE was a very good dentist. The closest I came to a man at all was the office manager (I don’t think I was particularly his type, if you get my drift), and a dental stuff salesman who stopped by the room where I was getting my roots cleaned out. He did appear to have nice brown eyes behind his glasses (which I’m a shameless fan of). At least what I could tell from looking at him upside-down from the dental chair. I’m pretty sure one look at me at that moment would have proven that I was not a prize. Or maybe he has a fetish for women wearing generic shaded glasses that keep tooth gunk from getting in their eyes. Or it’s possible that snazzy green piece of rubber that they put in my mouth to keep my tooth dry while they worked on it was especially sexy in my mouth, all flapping around in the breeze from the drill.

It didn’t hurt. Of course I was shot so through with Novocain that THE BACK OF MY HEAD WAS NUMB! Actually, it hurt so little that I went to work and worked all day. It just started hurting a couple of hours ago, but I got some nifty little prescriptions so I’m doin’ allllll riiiiiight.

There was this one time that I had a hot dentist. Actually, he was an oral surgeon, and he extracted my wisdom teeth. I went in for the preliminary visit where explained what he was going to do in the surgery. I was like, “Sure! You and your pretty grey eyes can do whatever you want!” The surgery was done the day after Valentine’s Day. As the nurses were prepping me for the surgery, we were all talking about the gifts we had received the day before. One said she had gotten an Oscar fish. The other said her husband had given her lingerie. I had gotten a framed Monet print. The Doctor came in and they told me to count back from 100. I remember getting to 93. I woke up to my then-boyfriend shaking my arm and saying “Honey? Honey?” Then, the next thing I knew he was walking me out to the parking lot. I had the vague understanding that there was someone else there with us. I was telling him about my gift conversation with the nurses. I said, “One of them got a fish called Oscar! The other one got lingerie! And she was the OLD one!!” Guess who it was helping him help me to the car? Yep, the OLD one.

It Still Hurts...

• Well, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to get a root canal. YAY! I don’t even care honestly, as long as my mouth stops hurting. At least I’ll have anesthesia for that. All I have right now is a double dosage of Ibuprofen. Let me tell you, that’s NOT doing the trick. I am miserable. I’ve read and heard that the actual root canal doesn’t hurt because of the anesthetic, and he prescribes you pain pills afterwards, so if I can just get through the next few days...
• On the brighter side, though, I’m having an excellent hair day!! I could be a Breck girl today. Do they even still sell Breck?
• I realized that I name my cars like they’re exotic dancers: Ruby Sue, Daisy, Sparkle, Lola. My blue Nissan was named Clarence. He’s the guy that goes to see the exotic dancers.
• I heard on the radio the other day that your brain forces you to yawn to keep it from overheating. I yawn a lot! Just ask my co-worker Kelly. My brain must be burning hot, but I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
• Did you hear about that guy that called 911 because the Burger King he was at didn’t sell lemonade? Or the guy that called 911 because his pizza didn’t make it to him in under 30 minutes? 911 is not a customer service line, people. Well, actually, I guess it’s kind of the ultimate customer service line. But not for food!
• Dial this number for a good laugh: (413) 497-0025.
• My mom was laid off her job almost a year ago. Last week, she was just offered a really great job that she’s really excited about and she starts tomorrow!! It seems perfectly suited for her: a little organizational stuff, a little executive assistant stuff, a little web design. Go Momma! Go Momma!

And, lastly: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BUDDY DIANE!!!!! I hope it’s a great one! Love ya! Mel