My name is Melanie, and I’m addicted to VH1 reality TV shows.
What is in the sauce over at VH1? Who are the people over there that develop these addictive tv shows about people that I would normally not care about in the least? It’s pretty disturbing to me that I enjoy and even (gulp) look forward to these shows. My brain and eyes feel a little stained after watching them, but obviously not enough to keep me from watching them.
So, now I’m watching “Rock of Love Bus”, or “Road Skanks”, as I like to call it. Seriously, I hope they burned those tour buses after the season finished shooting, because I think walking within about 10 feet of them might cause you to get every STD under the stars. I like to think I’m a pretty non-judgmental person, but if I saw just one of those girls at the mall or walking down the street, I couldn’t help but stare and wonder what her chosen profession was. If I saw all of them at once (and there are about 15 of them) I think my head might explode from…well, I don’t know what it would explode from, but it would definitely explode. Maybe from a plethora of skanknasty? The first episode of this season…lord have mercy…there was one girl who served a shot from a place on her body a shot should NEVER be served from. And, another girl took the shot! It gave a whole new meaning to the words “body shot”. If you can shock Bret Michaels and the rest of those girls, then how is sweet, innocent me supposed to react? I guess there are even some things that are too skanky for Mr. Michaels because he told both of the girls that participated in the nastiest shot taking in the history of time that their tour ended there. And, don’t get me started on the ex-porn star that won’t stop crying because she’s sure she and Bret are meant to be. And her 5 page wedding vows!
But, I’m really into "Confessions of a Teen Idol". Christopher Atkins, David Chokachi, Billy Hufsey, Jeremy Jackson, Eric Nies, Jamie Walters, and Adrian Zmed, all former teen idols. I guess? The only one I ever liked was Christopher Atkins, you know the guy from the "Blue Lagoon" movie? He’s still pretty attractive, has very kind eyes, and seems the most well-adjusted out of all of them. So, here’s a run down of the rest of them:
- Billy Hufsey has the opposite of kind eyes. He’s got scary eyes. And, he’s so freakin’ intense! He makes me uncomfortable just watching him. I barely remember him from the tv show “Fame”, which is really weird because I wouldn’t even talk on the phone when it came on, so how do I not remember him very well?
- Then there’s Eric Nies. Remember him? The model from the first year of “The Real World”? He was a nice looking guy, but he never did anything for me. Now he looks like he may be homeless. He’s got a scruffy beard and stringy hair that he admits to not using soap on very often. He’s hawking some kind of all-natural powder or vitamins or something. I don’t really know what it is. And, he’s all Zen too. Which is unintentionally kind of funny.
- David Chokachi and Jeremy Jackson were both on "Baywatch". I never watched it. David Chokachi is kind of cute, but he’s a drama queen. He almost walked out the first episode because he thought the producers were trying to make a fool out of him. I just rolled my eyes at his attempt to get screen time. Jeremy Jackson played David Hasselhoff’s son. I don’t know. He’s like a cross between a pretty good-looking guy and a pretty scary-looking guy. Apparently he was into crystal meth for a while. So, you know, a winner. I think he’s clean now, though, so good for him.
- Then there’s Adrian Zmed from “TJ Hooker”, which I also never watched. I do remember him from "Bachelor Party". I can’t remember, is he the one that brought in the donkey to the party? I know he wasn’t the one that said, “Debbie? The Porsche? The Porsche? Debbie?” because that was the brother, and I know that because I still say that when someone is trying to decide between two things: Steak? Chicken? Chicken? Steak?
- Lastly there’s Jamie Walters. All I remember about him was that he pushed Donna down the stairs on 90210. But, I guess he had a hit song too? I think I was listening to Pearl Jam and Nirvana at the time, so I’m not familiar with the song at all.
It is an illness, this VH1 watching. I know it. Because I can’t watch crappy reality shows without watching something more informative, I’ve had to pull out my DVDs of Simon Schama’s “A History of Britain” to cleanse my palate. I can only afford to lose so many brain cells, you know!
My name is Melanie, and I’m addicted to VH1 Reality TV shows.