Sunday Randomness featuring Dreams and VH1 Shows

~ I’ll just say this: less than 3 more days. Less. Than. 3. More. Days. Woot!!

~ I love when I have dreams where I wake up laughing. When the alternative is waking up frozen in terror, yeah, laughing is kind of great. The difference between the two (besides the obvious) is that when I wake up frozen in terror, I still think I’m in the dream. When I wake up laughing, I get that I’ve just had a dream. A couple of weeks ago I had a dream where I was at a very somber gathering. My TV boyfriend* came from another room and I walked up to him and asked, “Is he gone?” In the dream I understood that I was talking about our father. (Yeah, it kind of sucks that I dream about my TV boyfriend and he’s my BROTHER in it!) He hugged me (at least I got a hug!), and said very seriously, “No not yet, but his tongue is stuck permanently to the roof of his mouth, so it’s just a matter of time.” Somewhere in my subconscious, I must have realized just how stupid that declaration was and it made me laugh and the laughing made me wake up. I was trying to tell my mom about it a few minutes later (she was staying with me at the time), and I was still so tickled that I couldn’t even get out the words about the tongue being stuck to the roof of the mouth. Your tongue being stuck to the roof of your mouth = imminent death.

~ The VH1 Trifecta came on this morning: Tool Academy, Confessions of a Teen Idol, and Road Skanks. I’m still not proud that I watched Tool Academy, but it was on when I was cleaning up my bedroom and you know how sometimes you have to mess up to clean up? Well, things were still in that pre-clean messy state, so I couldn’t find the remote. What is that crazy thing you say? You can change the channel with the buttons on the front of the television? Am I living in the 20th century or something? No. Just no. I am stuck watching whatever is on until I locate the remote control. I will reiterate today what I said last week: Girls? Get away from those men immediately. Get some therapy. Never, ever go on another VH1 reality TV show again. In that order. Please.

Confessions of a Teen Idol: I find myself totally rooting for these guys. All of them. Well, David Chokachi is still working my nerves, but I do hope he gets something worthwhile out of this. I just realized this week that the therapist on the show, Cooper Lawrence, does a radio show here in Charlotte. Well, I knew Cooper Lawrence had a radio show because I listen to it sometimes, but for some reason I didn’t realize it was her on Confessions of a Teen Idol. On the way home from work one night last week, I heard her doing an interview with Christopher Atkins. I’ll tell you what: if I didn’t like him before, I definitely like him now. He was just a sweetheart in their interview.

And, the final show of the trifecta: Road Skanks. I have watched both of the previous seasons of this show and despite the fact that I call them skanks, I do have to say this is the most attractive group of girls that he’s had on. Minus the ridiculously large implants, the skimpy outfits, the gobs of make-up, the odd hair color and style choices, the girls are actually kind of cute. Except for the ex-porn star. She’s kind of rough-looking. He brought back that crazy beyotch Lacey from season 1. She is just creepy and crazy. Her hair is Raggedy Ann red, and for all I know, could be made out of yarn, just like Raggedy Ann’s. But, back to the current girls, here are fun things that happened this week:

1. A girl thought she popped her implant while playing in this week’s hockey challenge.
2. The ex-porn star collected all the socks the girls wore in the hockey challenge (dirty, and wet with sweat) and TOOK THEM WITH HER ON THE BUS! Not just hers. EVERYONE’s! She said later that she asked the owners of the hockey rink if she could have the socks and they “very much said yes”, so she took them. I mean…what??
3. The ex-porn star also collected a bag full of ketchup packets. Used ketchup packets. And they were in her bed. Dirty socks and used ketchup packets. Maybe she’s looking to do fetish films next instead of straight porn and is collecting props? Maybe??
4. Apparently going to a strip joint with Bret Michaels in Illinois is a red carpet event because there were people lined up outside to great them with cameras and autograph paraphernalia.
5. Getting the chance to show Bret the “real you” means getting on a stage, lifting your dress, and showing him your buttocks. Does that mean the “real you” is an ass?
6. I think I kind of want Farrah to be my red-neck skank gal pal. She’s funny as hale. I think I might be adopting the way she says “French” instead of the f-word. (Diane, that would have been a whole different letter!)
7. There is just no way to adequately describe the juxtaposition of the ex-porn star talking in her interview about empowering women in the porn industry by teaching them about retirement accounts, porn is in her past, she just wants to get married and have children now while the pictures that are being shown are of her working the pole, throwing money at the strippers, and kissing and being groped by the other women on the stage. Bravo Editors! Bravo!
8. The girl whose implant possibly popped called out Bret about his hair extensions. To his credit, he admitted that he has the finest, most expensive hair extensions you can buy in Europe.
9. Then Bret tells Busted Implant Girl that she’s a player and to GTFO. In response, she flips him the double bird and she calls him a player too.

But, Busted Implant Girl? Do you know the difference between Bret, the player and Busted Implant Girl, the player? He’s getting paid to be a player and has a (highly entertaining) show on VH1. What have you done?? Her tour, and that of the crazy ex-porn star/sock thief/empty ketchup packet hoarder, ended there. Next week? Someone falls off the stage, someone gets irrationally drunk, and we don’t know the “condition” of someone. Duh-duh-duh!!!

*Not to be confused with my Olympic boyfriend, my guitar-playing/singing boyfriend, my movie boyfriend, my poet boyfriend, or my Novel boyfriend, or my actual boyfriend.

Sunday Randomness

~ Last night I dreamed that I was doing Bree Van de Kamp Hodge’s dinner dishes. I think I was her step-daughter in the dream. But, get this, she insisted I do the dishes in cold water and she used dollar store dish detergent. AND, there were some glasses that I had to wash that had, like, week old milk in the bottom. I was thinking, “Oooh! This is the real Bree Van de Kamp! I’ve got to write a book about this!”

~ How am I still finding Christmas decorations more than a week after I packed everything away? Next year I’m keeping a list of where all in my house I decorated. I blame you Z! ;)

~ Message to the women on VH1’s Tool Academy: RUN! Get away from those men. NOW! And, maybe try some therapy yourself. NO, definitely try some therapy yourself! (And, yeah, I'm kind of ashamed that I watched it)

~ I wish it was someone’s birthday so I could have a piece of that mucho fattening buttercream icing-ed grocery store cake, with a scoop of chocolate ice cream on the side.

~ Do you know when the best time to go to the grocery store is? When there’s a football playoff game going on in your city. Nobody is in the store! (Even though the Panthers lost)

~ Back to the Christmas thing: where do those tree needles hide where after you’ve vacuumed all of a sudden they appear on your steps or in your hallway? They may be alive, I’m not sure.

~ So, this girl at work told me about this music website and I love it! It’s Pandora. You put in an artist or a song, and Pandora makes a whole station for you based on your entry. But the cooler thing is that you can make a lot of stations, so you can basically listen to whatever kind of music you want at any time. Of course I may be way behind on this and everyone already knows about it, and I’m just talking to a bunch of rolling eyes and nodding heads that are saying “yeah, yeah, yeah, I knew about Pandora three years ago, ya dope!”

Nuns Having Fun

I have been looking for this picture on the internet for about 3 weeks with no luck. Guess where I found it? Hanging on a wall in my office! Gotta love the old analog way of doing things.

It's from a calendar called Nuns Having Fun. Graham Norton showed a few pictures from it on his show a couple of weeks ago and I loved this particular one and what he said about it. I wish I could take credit, but I can't:

"That couldn't be a happier nun...

I love Jesus and cuttin' grass!"

Monday Randomness

I'm home sick from work today. I haven't felt well since Friday and it sucks. I did complete NaNoWriMo on Saturday (see the winner badge to the right), so that's something, but I've lost my funny. If anyone finds it, please send it to me because I miss it. Life is very dull without it. And, I'm very dull without it.

I have a Facebook flair button that says "I laugh randomly, don't worry about it." Two days at work last week it was actually pointed out to me that I hadn't laughed at all those days. That it was pointed out to me means that I either laugh way too much or that when I do laugh it irritates my co-workers. I hope it's the first one, because, really, is there any such thing as laughing too much? I *think* it's the first one.

I've been missing my funny for a week, but I do have a lot of questions:

Last night I saw 3 of the 4 main actors from Laverne and Shirley on tv. Lenny was on The Unit, and Laverne and Shirley were on a Zaxby's commercial. Where is Squiggy? And, did I unknowingly timewarp to 1979 or something?

Why are those girls in the Victoria's Secret commercial running around that gigantic house in red bras and really big red tulle skirts? Obviously I don't understand advertising. Is it the running coupled with the bouncy boobs in red bras that makes the ad work?

How did those fuzzy-headed guys get to the final three on The Amazing Race? They didn't even have SHOES for part of a race leg!!! And, how did they make it past a dance challenge when the guy with the dark fuzzy head couldn't even march last week?

Why does John Hodgman's head look just like an egg with some hair pasted on top? He may be known mostly as the PC guy in the Mac commercials, but he wrote the hilarious Secrets of the Mall of America long before then. (I couldn't find the essay online, but this is the This American Life where he reads it. Very, very funny.)

Are Eric Idle and John Oliver related somehow? Because they sound just alike. I thought it was John Oliver in Shrek 3 until the credits.

Who made those stupid internet ads that trick you into clicking on them because they suddenly become huge when you least expect them to and you meant to be clicking on something that now resides underneath the huge ad? Do they think I'm going to really look around the Circuit City website, or do they know that I'm going to get ticked off and click really hard on the "X" to get out of that window? (Clicking really hard=slamming down a phone in the 80's)

Oh, and this is kind of weird: when I was searching through my John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise for the Mall of America essay, I had a piece of paper stuck in it at an essay titled "The Lenny and Squiggy". It's a Laverne and Shirley kind of week, I guess. Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!

Facebook Status

I’m totally at a loss for words, and if you knew me in real life, you’d find that hard to believe. I just can’t think of anything to write. I spent a lot of time this past weekend working on my NaNoWriMo story, so maybe I truly just ran out of words. The story itself is kind of stupid, but there are some bright spots in it that I hope I’ll be able to salvage once I can think about it and edit it. Right now I’m just focused on the 50,000 word goal.

I changed my Facebook status last night to say that I’ve written 39,000 words of NaNoWriMo, but can’t think of a single blog topic. That got me thinking, though. What if I changed my status every time something came up? Like, what if I had a scroll across my chest like at the bottom CNN?

• Melanie is wondering why I thought it was a good idea to password lock my story last night at 2am when I could barely keep my eyes open and then not write the password down somewhere, because today I am having trouble remembering what it is.
• Melanie is thinking that something is wrong with my cable since nothing above channel 100 is working at all and the channels below 100 stay on only for 1 minute or so before a blue screen comes up that says “Available for Purchase.” Um? Isn’t paying my bill every month “purchasing”?
• Melanie fixed her cable by unplugging, then replugging the cable box. I am a whiz at electronics!
• Melanie thinks whoa! My bed is so comfortable!
• Melanie doesn’t want to get up yet!
• Melanie remembers the brown shirt she wants to wear today is still in the dryer.
• Melanie thinks bills, bills, bills in the mailbox! Oh wait, half of them are State Farm ones for Diane and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Yea! Not mine! Either the bills or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
• Melanie thinks it’s funny that my 3 year-old niece kept telling me that she was nervous and that she was coloring me a pretty picture with her toes.
• Melanie also thinks it’s funny that my 5 year-old niece described everything in the Toys R Us toybook that she or her sister circled, which was pretty much everything in the Toys R Us toybook, even “boy toys”, a ping pong table, at least 3 guitars, and “that thing, it’s little and pink”.
• Melanie thinks: Dude! That guy in the jeep is HOT! Oops, I almost rear-ended the car in front of me!
• Melanie wishes slow people would get out of the left lane so that I could go around them. And, that they’d get off the stupid phone while they’re driving!!
• Melanie thinks I’m a better driver than everyone else and can talk on the phone while I’m driving with no problem! Suck it Everyone Else!
• Melanie wonders why we can’t just all get along.
• Melanie thinks that the producer of the new Kid Rock song should have done something about that part of the song where he’s totally flat. It makes me cringe every time.
• Melanie is suddenly Simon Cowell!
• Melanie would really like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a bowl of tomato soup, a puddin’ cup and some juice for lunch. I am a 4 year old.
• Melanie thinks that big truck better move because how am I supposed to get into the parking lot? Oh great! Now the slimy mofo is getting out of the truck. I guess I’ll park on the road.
• Melanie thinks they are cute pictures and that now I’ll have something else to post to my blog later.

NASCAR, Radio Woes, and Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

When I moved from Richmond, Virginia to Charlotte almost 7 years ago, everyone in Richmond had two things to say to me. The first was they were surprised that I was choosing to move all by myself to a city so much bigger than Richmond. I hadn’t realized how big Charlotte had gotten. I had grown up thinking that Charlotte was nothing but Carowinds, NASCAR and PTL Ministries (UGH!), and not really all that big. Little did I know that it was about 4 times as big as Richmond and still growing. The second thing everyone said to me was, “You better pick a driver.”

I was never into NASCAR myself, but some members of my family were. My grandfather rooted for Bill Elliot. He had a walking stick made once that had a raised ridge that ran in a spiral all the way from the top of the stick to the bottom. Carved into the spiral were the names of our family starting with him and my grandmother, going through all four of their sons and wives, and their children. The last name on the stick was Bill Elliot. Like he was a member of the family.

I like living in Charlotte for the most part, even if I never picked a driver. It’s big, but it’s not so big that you can’t get around pretty easily. Like with most big towns, you mostly stay in the sections you work and/or live in anyway, so it doesn’t seem all that large. It’s not my favorite place I’ve lived, but it’s not the worst either.

One thing I don’t like about Charlotte is that it has crappy radio stations. To be a city this size and not have more than a couple of decent radio stations is kind of crazy. I have 6 programmed into my car stereo (as you do), but I swear I’m lucky if any one at a time is playing a good song! And, one of the stations is actually out of Winston-Salem, not even Charlotte.

I guess the middle of November is some kind of benchmark because now two of those 6 stations I have programmed are playing round-the-clock Christmas music. Really?? Seriously??

I am not a Scrooge. I have about 15 Christmas cds (possibly even more). Everything from Time-Life Christmas Collection, to A Very Special Christmas (the first three), to a couple of (very traditional) Ray Conniff Christmas cds. The gamut? She is run! I’m not lacking for Christmas cheer in the form of melody. But, if I have to hear ONLY Christmas music on two of the very few radio stations worth listening to in this city where I live? Well, Bah Humbug!

I'm a 13 year old girl...no apologies

Sorry Jason Wade, you've been removed from my top 5. You've been replaced by another Jason: Jason O'Mara.

I know Jason Wade is weaping over his guitar right now. Write a song about it, Jason baby, write a pretty song.

I'm really starting to like Life on Mars. I just watched the last couple of episodes this weekend and it's a lot better than I thought it was going to be. Jason O'Mara is so cute (is that the wrong thing to say about a man in his mid-30's?). I'm thinking about cheating on my tv boyfriend Matthew Rhys with him. Hmmm... come to think of it, they look a little alike. One's Irish; one's Welsh. One plays a gay lawyer, but isn't one in real life. One plays a time traveling cop, but isn't one in real life. They're both on ABC shows, are good at hiding their original accents, and are enough to turn me into a 13 year-old squeeing girl.

Obviously, I've expended all of my energy on my nanowrimo project, because I really just have nothing.

Vote for Tom

I’ve got blogger’s block and I don’t know what to write. Blogger’s block sounds kind of gross.

I saw these odd signs on the way to work today all the way up Independence Blvd. It said “Vote for Tom”. The sign was white with red writing. There’s something else written underneath, but going 50 mph (that’s right, only 5 miles over the speed limit, Occifer), all I could read was “Vote for Tom”. I’m thinking they can’t be serious. Do you think there’s only one Tom on the ballot so it will be easy to tell which Tom the signs mean? Maybe it’s a joke. Who knows?

I Googled “Vote for Tom”, I added “signs”, then I added “Charlotte”, but nothing came up. Well, LOTS of things came up, but none that make sense for the sign. So, I’m making up my own Vote for Tom’s:

• Vote for Tom Wolfe – because he wrote The Right Stuff and I love all things astronauty.
• Vote for Tom Brokaw – because he was the best-looking of the former big 3 newscasters.
• Vote for Tom Tom Club – because Genius of Love is a great song.
• Vote for Tom Hanks – because Run, Forest, Run.
• Vote for Tom Petty – because he’s freakin’ Tom Petty.
• Vote for Tom M – because he knows why.
• Vote for Tom Jones – because “What’s new pussycat?”
• Vote for Tom Welling – because he’s Superman (on tv anyway).
• Vote for Tom Perotta – because I like his books and the movies made from them.
• Vote for Tom (Thor) – because he’s cute and Irish.
• Vote for Tom (and Jerry) – because who doesn’t like cartoons?
• Vote for Tom Cruise – because he needs to go back up in that spaceship of his so we can be rid of his special brand of crazy.

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Mad Men,
I love you the most! I was just complaining a couple of weeks ago about how unentertaining television was lately, and then you changed my mind in one hour this past Sunday. Every accolade, every award you have received was vindicated. I sat watching with my mouth open for most of the show. You are a master storyteller, building the tension all season long, throwing crumbs along the way for us to follow and then paying off in a big way. Seeing Don for the first time really be himself, seeing what Peggy has learned since last year when she asked Don for a raise and her own desk, seeing Roger, well, do what Roger does, seeing Joan, oh well, seeing Joan :(

You are art in television form! This Sunday can’t come soon enough. Love, Mel

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Dear Britney,
I don’t want you to go nuckin’ futs again. I want you to be sane and see your children and have a decent life that you’re in control of, but please stop singing Womanizer at me every time I listen to the radio, turn on my television, open a web browser, or visit a store. Mkay? Thanks! M

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Dear Facebook,
Stop telling me that there are people who hate me and think they’re smarter than I am. I’m new to this and it hurts my feelings.
Sincerely,
Mel

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Dear Diane,
Shut up!
Love ya! Mean it! Melaroni

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Dear Cori,
I miss my sidda too! XXOO

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Dear Government,
Yes, thank you, a stimulus check for the little guys would be nice this fall.
Give it!!
Mel (on behalf of a lot of people)

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Dear Ryan Lochte, Michael Phelps, and Aaron Peirsol,
Please go back to wearing Speedos like you did in the Olympics, because I’ve seen pictures of you guys in regular people clothes, and the sight ain’t pretty. Does the chlorine cloud your fashion sense or, perhaps, take it away entirely?
From a very appreciative nation (as long as you go back to the Speedos)

More Randomness

Diane at Diane's Addled Ramblings (otherwise known as just Diane to my friends and family) gave me a blog award as incentive (aka bribery, manipulation) to write more, but so far it hasn't worked. She's out of the country anyway, so what does she know? She gets back on Monday, so I have, what? at least 4 days I can post before she gets back and reads this, so maybe the illusion of prolificacy with 4 posts over the next four days will fool her. The award is cute, right? Her skirt is a cupcake! Mmmm...Cupcakes.

The other night on Jay Leno (not crazy about him, but Gerard Butler was on, so .... given), there was a commedienne on named Natasha Leggero. I've seen her several times on Chelsea Lately, and she's kind of funny. She was talking about American Idol, specifically about the early stages of the competition. She said something that was so true, and would be true probably for a great many of the people that regularly watch the show and vote for the contestants if they would only admit it to themselves. She said, "How are you going to make an idol out of someone you're trying to avoid in real life?" Well, it made me laugh anyway.

Sarah Vowell is awesome! If you've ever listened to the NPR show This American Life, you might have heard some of her essays/commentaries. She's also written several books including Take the Cannoli, The Partly Cloudy Patriot, and Assassination Vacation. She's very smart and entertaining. She has a way of making topics that are dry and boring, dryer (in the good sense, though) and funny. Who knew a book about the assassinations of Presidents Lincoln, Garfield and McKinley could make such a good book that I've actually read it not once, not twice, but three times? Her new book The Wordy Shipmates came out yesterday and it's about Puritans in the early 1600s. Fascinating, right? I promise it will be if you read it, though. I should say at least a passing interest in history should be a prerequisite for reading her books in general, though. I won't be buying it anytime soon as I'm on a book buying diet, so anyone looking for a Christmas list from me would be smart to add this book to it. She's been on a couple of talk shows this week to promote the book. Despite the comedians and actors that have been on those shows this week, she has been by leaps and bounds the funniest person on them. I wish all history teachers could teach history the way she writes her books.

Have you seen a commercial for that hair removal product called Smooth Away? It's basically like rubbing your skin with sandpaper, right? Let's weigh this, shall we? Having to shave every couple of days or hairless legs with the top layer of your skin essentially sanded away? Does it really matter if you don't have hair on your legs (or underarms, or upper lip) if you're red and blotchy and scabby?

That's all I know...

Randomness

Yeah, I’m off to a bounding start with this blog! Three posts in 2 weeks. I’m on FIRE!

I’ve been unmotivated, unwilling, uninterested and uninteresting. I’d like to say I’ve been too busy, but honestly, I’ve just been lazy.

So, here are some random thoughts just so I have something written that’s newer than 2 weeks old:

- I see the weirdest stuff on the way to work. This morning I saw some woman’s weave in the middle of the road. Imagine the argument that took place either before or after it ended up there! One morning I saw all the cars in front of me swerving to miss a bunch of women’s shoes in the middle of the interstate. Another morning I saw a man who looked to be about 80 years-old riding a bicycle up the road. He was wearing a red Speedo, and the bike had a little flowery basket connected to the handlebars. I turned around and passed by him again because I thought I’d never see something like that again. I would have taken a picture if I’d had a camera with me. Still another day, I saw a police car slowing down in front of an office building. The office building had a grassy slope out front where a man wearing only boxer shorts was lying face down. I thought it was really funny until I thought, “Oh no! What if the guy was dead?!” I checked the noon news, though, and there was no word of a dead half-naked man, so he was either just getting a suntan or he was passed out from a very interesting night.

- I watched some movies this weekend that have been taking up space on my DVR. One of them was “The Zodiac”. I kept expecting Jake Gyllenhaal and Mark Ruffalo to show up. The guy that plays Dr. Karev on “Grey’s Anatomy” played a detective. The detective had a little boy, so for more than half of the movie I expected the little boy to grow up to be Jake Gyllenhaal or Mark Ruffalo and that he would then continue his father’s work to find the Zodiac killer. When the movie was at 1 hour and 40 minutes and neither of them had even appeared yet, I went to IMDB.com to find out what the deal was. It turns out that it was a totally different movie! I had wanted to see “Zodiac”, and ended up watching “The Zodiac.” Stupid “The”.

- My favorite news story of the day is about a homecoming parade float in Pennsylvania. The float had a 4th of July theme, so the kids riding on the float were carrying and waving around sparklers. The float’s decorations were made of tissue paper. Yep, the thing caught on fire. The principal of the school said “This was a bit more excitement than we had planned.” And that sparklers would not be used in next year’s parade.

- I think I might rather poke out my eyes than see “Nights in Rodanthe”. But, that’s just me.

- Have you heard that new New Kids on the Block song? The video is on VH1 sometimes when I’m getting ready for work. Why is it that they have 5 singers in their group (NOT A BAND!!!), but they had to get that guy Ne-Yo to sing most of the song? The song is really, really bad. They should have stayed retired. I do like that new song by Pink, though.

And, I think I’m done. For now. Expect another post in about 2-3 weeks!